First, I learned that it’s very different when it’s your
own wedding. The most difficult part of wedding
planning is actually making the decisions – something a coordinator rarely has
to do. But choosing the right pink from
26 different shades (and 13 different fabrics) for your
napkins can take an entire afternoon.
Which leads to my second point: you always run out of time.
From experience, I said from day one, “There will be some
projects that we just don’t get to,” due to time constraints. We were planning a wedding in six months and
both of us were working 70+ hours a week up until. Unfortunately I didn’t heed my own advice and some of
the projects left were critical ones.
Needless to say, I have mountains more understanding and
respect for my brides now, knowing what they’re going through. It sounds simple, but you can have all the
checklists and experience in the world, but you have no idea until you do it
yourself.
Without further ado, 10 lessons I learned the hard way
when planning my own wedding:
1. Communicate with your Photographer: Communicate,
communicate, communicate. Send them a
Save the Date and an invite; make
sure they explore your website and all the tidbits it offers. Send them a list of ‘must-have’ photographs –
10 to 20 shots should be doable (“bride and groom in front of x stained
glass window”);
be inspired by your venue, Pinterest or check out a creative list like this. Most professional photographers will have basic lists such as this, this or this but note any photographs you'd be devastated to miss. Also send a list of sample photos that you like and why you like them
(style, lighting, background, symmetry, etc.) early on, before engagement photos. And finally make sure that they have a family photo list (the formal photos taken after the ceremony, often on the altar) that can be read off like a roll call by your planner (photo 1: bride & groom + bride's parents, etc.);
it will make this painful part of the day (all you’ll want to do
is jump with joy – outside, with friends, not posing for mandatory, posed photos) go much faster. Ask to see the
family photo roster sheet beforehand so that you can adjust for your
family dynamics, too.
2. Have Payments Ready. Seriously. : It was beyond embarrassing
to be trying to find my purse/pen/checkbook and then writing checks for our
band/planner/caterer during our reception, in the midst of chaos and friends. Instead of dancing, you spend time worrying the
appropriate tip, trying to remember what funds are in what account and what each
vendor actually charges so you don’t have to ask them to their face. In my defense, this was my husband’s main
wedding duty, which brings me to:
3. Do Not Assign Important Details to Overwhelmed and/or Flaky
Folks: Delegate efficiently but wisely. Would
you trust your uncle’s new girlfriend with your firstborn? No?
Then don’t trust her to pick up the wedding cake. If your husband is taking the most important
exam of his life the month before your big day, don’t assign him critical last-minute
details. Awesome people will often step
in and save the day without you even knowing, but why make them? Assign the most responsible people you know
to the most important tasks you won’t be able to oversee the wedding day – even
if it means calling in a favor from your long-lost cousin, or asking a good
friend who didn’t make bridesmaid. Consider
a day-of coordinator that agrees to these tasks (establish this in advance
however, as they often have plenty to do on-site without running errands all
over town.)
4. Post-Wedding To Dos: Don’t forget the things that need
to be done the days after your wedding, but before you get back from the
honeymoon. Like tux or empty keg
returns. Or table and chair rental pick
up. Bouquet preservation is another
time-sensitive detail; plan in advance or you risk missing out on a great keepsake
(a post on this specifically to come.)
5. The Bouquet Toss: Who forgets that? Me.
Until I hear 'Single Ladies' on our honeymoon and start to wonder why it
never played during my…
6. Next Day Brunch is a Bad Idea: I know, you think you’ll
want the weekend to never end (you do, but it must, or you’ll explode in a hot,
fiery ball of stress and exhaustion).
And yes, it’s lovely to have a chance to say goodbye to Aunt Toddy and
the other 80% of your guests who traveled from afar to see you for a 6-hour party. But the likelihood that you’re in any shape
to be in public the next day, let alone by brunch time, is slim to none. The chance you’ll actually enjoy this party
thrown for you (typically by someone else, who is putting precious time and
money into the event): zero. You’ll be
exhausted – not just from carrying around an extra 25 lbs of tulle or smiling
for 12 hours straight the day before, but really from the excitement; the past
6 months of stressing out will catch up with you instantly.
And you just might want some time to yourselves, as a couple, after days
of wonderful-but-constant family face time.
7. Practice Makes Perfect Comfortable: You don’t
have to take professional dance lessons (first dances can last just 30 seconds
if you choose) but at least dance at home, to your song, a time or two, in your
shoes. Figure out where your hands will
go. Discuss if there will be any fancy
moves (surprise dips can get dangerous in big dresses). Also, practice the kiss – as much as you
can! Mostly for selfish/personal needs,
but also to feel at ease on the big day and get the photo-perfect look you imagine. It does take some practice to get used to
smooching your betrothed in front of all your family & friends.
8. Communicate Expectations to your Future Husband: I don’t
know about you, by my partner needs specific
instructions. For everything. So it shouldn’t have surprised me that he
didn’t know I expected the groom to head back to the hotel suite when the bride did on the wedding night. Or that he was a critical part of the
receiving line (from which I couldn’t leave and find him); he honestly might
not even have known when or what the receiving line was. It was his first time getting married after
all… But if you’re planning most of the wedding yourself, be sure not to leave the
most important person out of the conversation.
9. The More the Merrier: We (wisely) cut back on some
expensive food items so that we could have more guests. But we still had a super strict and sometimes
odd criteria for invitees (for work friends: had we been to their house?) which
left out some regular-circle folks. We
also planned for the maximum footage per person for table space, with guests’
comfort (and our wallets) in mind. A
number of traveling guests said they couldn’t make it the week-of, and after
regular drop off (sick kids, too much to drink before dinner even started,
etc.) we had two entirely empty tables. I
wish we would have invited the maximum and let it be tight if all arrived.
10. Most importantly, Just Enjoy: Sit back, kick up your feet and enjoy the
day you’ve been working so hard on for the last 6 months to 26 years. Breath deep, close your eyes and smile. Try to take it all in, but know you’ll only
be able to experience a quarter of the fruits of your labor (though your guests
will enjoy every detail you’ve tirelessly planned.) Don’t get mad, get a glass of Champagne. Don’t fight with anyone – your Maid of Honor,
or your new Husband – about anything. What’s
done is done; if it's not right by that time, it won’t be, so don’t worry about
it. I promise: looking back you’ll
realize it was perfect even when it wasn’t.
